Choices

I have been meaning to write about the intersection of my life roles (wife, mother, doctoral student, and so forth) for months, but have never had the time.  Now I have the time, but the emotions and thoughts are less pressing and recalling them feels a bit artificial.  I will have to try now however, because once the semester starts back up, I will certainly not have the opportunity. 

So as anyone reading this would likely already know, I am the wife of Travis, mother to 3 year old Ryah, and full time doctoral student.  Professionally, I am a counselor, counseling supervisor, teaching assistant,  internship coordinator, researcher, and scholar.  I am a daughter, daughter-in-law, grandaughter, sister, sister-in-law, aunt, friend, and believer in Christ.  I am the caretaker for myself, responsible for my own physical, mental, and emotional well being, which by my definition includes engaging in daily exercise, eating healthy, and engaging in life enhancing leisure.  I am surely forgetting other roles I play, but those are the ones I am most aware of at the moment.  The point is . . . I play many roles, many of which are incredibly demanding of my time and energy.  Many roles are often neglected, to which is the real point of this post.  I have made choices -- tough choices -- choices that I have meant precious sacrifices, choices that I second often second guess. 

Okay, I thought the emotions were distant, but as I type these very words I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes.  And now I am reaching for tissue.  Where do these strong emotions come from?  They seem to catch me by surprise every time . . . walking home after a long day at school/work, sitting with a group of my colleagues, driving in the car after dropping off Ryah at school.  I remember once specific incident that lead  to a complete melt down in front of way too many people.  I had dropped Ryah off to school that morning and felt hurried and impatient, feelings all too common during the semester.  Ryah was tired and irritable, also all too common emotions for which I largely blame myself.  My weekly schedule is inconsistent and I have found it impossible to establish a regular bedtime routine for Ryah. I kissed Ryah goodbye and watched as she ran towards the swings.  She tripped on something and fell to the ground.  I went to comfort her, but likely due to her tired state, she was inconsolable.  I checked my phone and saw that I was going to be late to my class.  I made the decision to hand her off to her teacher and leave.  The sound of her cries and the image of me walking away to my car is stuck in my mind.  For the next hour I sat in my class distracted by thoughts of Ryah and the implication of the choices I have made.  What kind of mother am I?  I am so often distracted, impatient, and undependable with Ryah.  All it took was someone making mention of my role as both student and mother and I erupted with a volcano of tears.  I cried so hard that I lost my ability to talk and had the crying hick-up thing.  As I remember it (and I did have a biased perception at the time) all the person who made a comment did was allude to her admiration of my being able to be both a successful student and mother.  But the comment triggered deep feelings of guilt, and sorrow. 

The reality is that I didn't see my ability to be in a doctoral program as a mother as an asset or a success.  In fact more days than not I see my ambition to complete my doctoral degree as selfish and hurtful to those I love.  I am ashamed that I am so driven professionally that I deprioritize my family.  I tell myself that my choices now will greatly benefit my family down the road, but I am not really all that convinced.  Right now I just see the sacrifices of my choices, many of which I am afraid will not even be evident until years to come.  I have other examples in addition to the story about leaving Ryah crying at school.  My professional ambition is a stress on my marriage.  Travis and I rarely share the same space, and even when we do, I am often distracted by thoughts of school and work.  I spend little time with my family and even less time with friends.  I am missing the opportunities to give and receive within these relationships, to create new memories, to enjoy the camaraderie. I have almost completely ignored my spiritual life . . . not enough can be said about the implications of that reality.  I rarely engage in leisure -- my favorite activities of reading and cooking are rarities.  And to top it off, I may not even be doing enough in school to get a good job once I graduate  I am not engaging in any service organizations, I only attended one conference, I have not submitted a single publication, and I rarely spend time networking.  I have yet to find my "niche" in the counseling field and still struggle with feelings of inadequacy in my effectiveness as a counselor.  I am afraid that I am trying to do so much, that I am not really doing anything all that well. 

These sacrifices may be worth it if truly my life slows down in a few years.  But what if I don't have the opportunity to live the long life that I hope to live?  What if all this work I am doing now "for the future" doesn't matter because something tragic happens and I die young.  I know this sounds morbid, but what if right now is the only chance I get to raise my daughter, love my husband, serve God, and fellowship with others in my life.  Am I really being the best steward of the time God has given me to be on this earth? 

More days than not I feel stressed by the constant pressure of work undone and upcoming assignment deadlines.  No matter how much I do, it is not enough.  I feel sad at what I am missing by not being around to engage in important  relationships.  I feel guilty, ashamed, and self-critical about how the choices I have made impact my loved ones.  I feel exhausted by my daily routine and lack of leisure and mental let down.  I feel doubtful about my ability to ever truly feel competent, accomplished, and/or successful.  I just realize the implication of what I just wrote --  feeling competent, accomplished, and successful are my implied life goals -- supported by my daily actions and choices.  And what shallow goals they are . . . its like trying to fill a bucket of water that is full holes. All too often striving for these goals just leaves me feeling alone and disconnected.  On any given day during the semester I could be called a ticking time bomb (just waiting to explode), a fragile egg (just waiting to crack), or a hamster on a wheel (running so fast but not getting anywhere).  I remember one morning being home alone trying to figure out what I needed to do first and not being able to do anything.  I cried uncontrollably for what felt like forever.  I felt like I had finally "broke" under the pressure . . . as if I was part of some horrible experiment of how much someone could take and I just cracked.   

And yet I feel stuck.  What else could I do?  Would anything really change if I wasn't in a doctoral program?  Maybe all this stress and restlessness I feel is just a result of my "type A" personality.  I have this haunting feeling that no matter what I did I would have no easier time living in the present moment.  And then there is the practical side to life -- the need to make money in order to pay for the basics (food, shelter, health care, etc.) and for the luxuries (activities for Ryah, clothes, entertainment, gifts for others, vacations).  All these needs and desires cost a great deal, more so everyday.  I have to work and I would go crazy doing work that is tedious, boring, and insignificant.  So, I am back where I started . . . trying to pursue a challenging, meaningful, and rewarding career while at the same time raising a family, honoring God, fellowshiping with family and friends, and so forth. Its funny how my decisions do not feel so much like a choice, but I know they are. 

My solutions for coping with the struggles I have described are as follows:

1. Focus on the here-and-now.  I have this troublesome tendency of worrying about whatever it is that I am not doing rather than enjoying whatever it is that I am doing.  When I am at school, I worry about Ryah, Travis, and so forth.  When I am spending time with Ryah and Travis, I worrying about all the school work I am not doing.  It is a vicious and unrewarding cycle for all those involved.  So, my goal in this regard is to be truly present for whoever I am with and for whatever I am doing.  This will take practice, but I believe I can slowly but surely change.

2. Maintain an attitude of gratitude.  I have this other troublesome tendency to focus on what is wrong or what I do not yet have rather than what is right and what I do have.  I truly have so much to be thankful for in my life.  I am loved by many.  I have great health and adequate access to health care.  I have all my basic (and many extra) needs met on a consistent basis.  I have freedoms that many can only dream of.  In many many ways I am blessed beyond measure.  As with the above mentioned habit, it will take time to change my focus, but I believe I can!
 
3. Do my best and forget the rest.  I tend to be a bit perfectionist.  I think I should know everything and be able to do everything great.  And because I do not know everything and do not do everything great, I feel like a constant failure.  This is ridiculous!  I am coming to realize more and more what it takes to be at the top of the professional game, and I am increasingly not willing to do it.  I want more balance in my life.  So, I am just going to do the best I can and not constantly compare myself  to those who are doing more.  Easier said than done, but its worth a shot. 

Whatever fanciful ideas I had about adulthood are over.  It is tough to succeed and thrive in this world . . . that's just reality.  I have many conflicting goals and desires and I will have to find a way to reconcile them.  Ultimately I need to focus on what is most important (and that's not my own personal achievement by the way) and then make choices that reflect the priorities I hold.

Thanks for reading this record of my thoughts, feelings, and experiences.  I wonder how many other women (and men) out there share similar struggles.  I have a feeling I am not really all that alone!